Crackberry Anonymous

My name is Dorchester's Daughter and I am addicted to my Blackberry

(readers collectively say "Hi DD!)

It's been 4 days and you'd think it was surgically implanted to my hand. You know what?..now that I say that, may not be such a bad idea, lol. I am already that person who does not look at you when you are speaking because they are discussing while distracted.

All hell broke loose when I turned it on initially and there was already a Facebook application. Didn't even have to download it? This can't be right. You mean I don't have to sit in front of my computer ignore random friend requests? Let the annoyed say Amen!

Last night I went on http://www.tmobile.com/ and downloaded ringtones for KB and my mom*. Today I am going to grab Bejeweled** and Ms. Pacman. There are free applications and downloads on the Blackberry website.

During the work day she sits right beside the computer monitor. Just can't bear to put her in my purse. Dare I miss something?! Good Lord hold my hand...or take it out of my hand. Either way, cuz I just know this thing is gonna be trouble.

Somebody help me!

*Can I just tell you that the ringtone for my mom is hysterical. If any TMobile customer has any sort of anxiety at all about seeing their mom's name on the caller id, please download Katt Williams "your mother is calling".

**The game that damn near cost me my education in college. I don't even know how many classes I missed because I spent 4 and 5 hours straight trying to beat my own high score.

It's Just Like a Mini-mall

I'd begun this post trying to explain why this was initially so funny to me. I flustered with the right words. Nothing sounded witty enough, intellectual enough, ironic enough. No words could quite capture why I sat here and watched it 3 times over and over. I even came up with a few anecdotes about my relationship with the cousin who introduced it to me. But nothing I wrote captured the very essence of it's hilarity. Finally I realized, some things just don't need to be explained...

The Kabalarian Philosophy

What's in a name? For those who study Kabala a name is directly connected to who you are as an individual. To quote their view on the significance;

Your name is extremely important. Your name is your life!

It is how you identify yourself.

It is how others identify you.

The more insight you have into the powerful influence of your name,

the greater opportunity to enjoy the success you are capable of achieving.

This web site will show you there is more to names and their meanings.

I learned that my own first name says this about me;

• Your first name has given you inspirational, idealistic, and dramatic qualities.
• You have a clever, deep mind and the talent to excel in highly inspirational lines of endeavor as a dramatist, musician, writer, or artist.
• You can be lifted by beauty in all forms and are at the most creative when inspired.
• Your expressive, affectionate nature responds quickly through your feelings, but you must guard against being possessive and jealous.

Now I realize very few of you actually know me, but that is ME! To find out what your own name says about you click here

The Art of "Agree to Disagree"

In my current relationship, I am dating one of the most stubborn personalities I have ever come across. I have a very strong (and sometimes insensitively honest) demeanor about me. The combination obviously leads to some headed debates. Occasionally they do lead to a light bulb moment, but more often than not they lead to me saying very loudly "ok let's just end the conversation here, it is not going to go anywhere".

I think it the best means to avoiding a heated end. Why go through the shouting, racing pulse, shallow breathing, and anger an argument ensues when you know there will be no agreement in the end? Why NOT bypass all that drama before it gets to that point?

Because as I said...he is STUBBORN, lol. KB would rather continue to defend his point than have an amicable end to a tense conversation.

Have any of my readers mastered the art of "agree to disagree"? Any idea why my method isn't foolproof?

Am I the only one that noticed?

Many of you know this man as new rapper Maino (say it with me now "Hi Hater!"). But has anyone noticed how much he looks like ....

Actor Khalil Kain? You guys know him from Juice and maybe more recently as Darnell on the UPN series Girlfriends. I say it's an alter ego (ok fine, more like brother from another mother)...

Is it just me?

I Heart Books

It's no secret, anyone who knows me knows learning to read changed my world. From the very day I sounded out my first full word, nothing in me has been the same. I was the one kid who actually liked the required readings in high school, in fact I still have some of those books. And one, The Joy Luck Club, is still my all time favorite.

The more recent additions to my collection I have acquired through www.amazon.com and the Black Expressions book club. So although I am an avid reader, I haven't walked into a book store since college (and even then it was for the purpose of buying overpriced text books).

Until yesterday. I want you to close your eyes and visualize the look on Charlie's face when he stepped into Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Substitute Charlie for me, 2* year old black woman...and substitute chocolate for books. Keep the expression. And now you have me when I walked into the Borders at Downtown Crossing for the first time. I was in total awe.

In that moment, I realized I Heart Books. I love the cover, the summary on the back, the author bio, the story in itself. I love it all! For me, it's not a hobby, it's not what I do for leisure at the beach, nor is it just something to do to pass time on my commute to work.

Talk about light bulb moments!

All my life I have heard, find something that you love and earn a living doing it. For a while I thought it was children, so I worked at camps, after school programs, daycares, you name it. But what was missing was the fulfillment...I wasn't totally happy.

It was not the feeling I have when I am editing my book. It was not the same joy I feel when I think of how many manuscripts I will read as a publisher. I didn't have the passion I have now. This is just the beginning of my work running my publishing company, yet the onset of total happiness is already blooming. I know this is what I want to do.

Addiction

I was once a Psych major, pretty pretentious... I know. But in my defense, mental health has always fascinated me! I spent several years studying disorders and convincing myself that THAT was what was/is wrong with members of my family (myself included see Imposter Syndrome post). At one point, I'd convinced myself that I was just a hypochondriac!

In my studies, I learned that the pattern of addiction can be genetically passed down. Naturally, I was immediately freaked out because it meant that I am susceptible to addiction. It is a disease that runs in my family (kleptomania, gambling addiction, alcoholism, etc). In knowing I am genetically predisposed, I've tried to figure out what it was before it ruins my life. Yet, somehow in all my intuitiveness I missed a few key red flags.

Namely;

-Shopping or spending money as a result of feeling angry, depressed, anxious, or lonely
-Having arguments with others about one's shopping habits
-Buying items on credit, rather than with cash
-Describing a rush or a feeling of euphoria with spending
-Feeling guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed after a spending spree
-Lying about how much money was spent. For instance, owning up to buying something, but lying about how much it actually cost


Retail therapy is a problem y'all?! Hell if I knew!

Imposter Syndrome

The past few weeks I have been given a few extra projects at work. There once was a time when I would have craved more responsibility. Those days are long gone! I have so many other priorities outside work that just the idea of added work overwhelms me. With an existent full plate, more responsibility goes hand in hand with more anxiety.

Needless to say, it's been really difficult to stay afloat.

I've also noticed that with added responsibility I've started to mess up a bit. In my hast to get things done in a timely fashion some pretty crucial steps have been missed. Each mistake is worse and worse, and they are starting to reflect badly on not only myself but my department. I haven't been written up or scolded, but for someone who is their own worst critic, I may as well have been. Each morning on my way in, I am asking myself "how I can possibly screw up today?"...

It's as if a grey cloud follows me to work in the morning, pestering me every step of the way. Today I learned what that grey cloud is. I have Imposter Syndrome; the internal experience of one who has a secret sense they were not as capable as others thought.

I feel as though my supervisor thinks very highly of me. He's made it clear since I was interviewed for my position that he knows I will not be in the role long. I've been given a "promotion" and a pay increase already and I haven't even been here a year. He obviously has some level of faith in my capabilities...and while that is very reassuring, I (unfortunately) don't feel the same way. So every time I mess something up I am consumed with the thought that this is screw up where he'll realize I am just not as smart as he thought (or worse as smart as the girl who had the position before me).

Now that I have a concrete definition for this fear, I've realized that it is with me all the time. The syndrome plagues me. Not just at work but in my personal life, in my entrepreneurial endeavors, in every aspect of my life. It's a huge question mark looming over my head. When is that day coming? The day every one will stop laughing when I tell a joke, stop praising me for my bright ideas, stop thanking me for my advice. The day they'll all think "wow, she really isn't all that great is she?".

So what now? They say the first step is admitting there is a problem. I've admitted it...

Dorchester's Daughter

Dorchester is the Boston neighborhood where I grew up. To say you are from Dorchester often has negative connotation because it is known as a violent community. I cannot count how many times I have gotten "the look" when I tell someone (who has most likely never even driven through inner city Boston) that is where I am from. It's always been one of my pet peeves.

When I started my publishing company I wanted to name it Dorchester's Daughter because I am not ashamed of where I grew up. I am in every sense Dorchester's Daughter. I wanted to take the shame out of the word ...hoping that through my company, and the literature I publish, Dorchester would now be associated with positive things.

I have since moved out of Dorchester (though I am less than 15 minutes away) but remain committed to changing the perception of my community. Unfortunately I am one of very few. This past weekend a friend and I went to a small dancehall in Dorchester. As we were parking the car we ended up smack dab in the middle of a shoot out!

Yes they chose to have it out right in front of the girl who is oh so committed to changing the way people look at me... at US as a community.

But you know what? It just means I have to work harder!

Mother's Day

Every year I go through the same agonizing process of choosing a Mother's Day card. I am a sucker for a heart felt greeting card and I spend time trying to find there right one. I am always sure to choose a card worded so true to the nature of my relationship with that person, that I could have written them myself. I want the people I care about to KNOW how special they are on that day; birthday, anniversary, wedding, graduation, etc. The problem is I don't have those heartwarming feelings for my mom..."mom without you where would I be", "mom I can only pray that I am as good a mom to my children as you have been to me", "mom I have nothing but fond childhood memories and I owe that to you". I cannot relate.

So I always go for "mom, I am giving you the greatest give a mother can have-me as a daughter", "I wanted to send you on a vacation but with my allowance all I could afford was this card"....you know the shoebox greetings! This becomes problematic when my brother gives her these gushingly emotional cards making me look like the rebellious bad seed (and for anyone who knows us, it is clearly the opposite). My thought is;
a) he clearly isn't reading as much into the card giving process as I am
b) he definitely has very different childhood memories
OR
c) he can see past the pain and manage to give her a happy card because whether or not she is a good mom she is OUR mom.

My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship;because of some of the things I went through as a child the relationship may never heal. That does not me I do not love her; it just makes it hard for me to reach for that emotional connection. Hard for me to shop for a truly heartfelt gift. Hard for me to here a song like "A Song for Momma" this time of year without longing to feel that way.

But I digress...

In the meanwhile, I am hoping that over time I will learn to accept the things I cannot change. And prayerfully, one day, something as simple as choosing a Mother's Day card will be such a battle.

I've Been Tagged

Are we ready? 6 quirky, interesting, unimportant things about me! Well I suppose number one is that I am not that interesting! I am a regular Boston Girl...and you know what they say about those Boston Girls, don't you?

Tidbit#1: Contrary to popular belief not every Bostonian is a roaring Red Sox fan. I love the "idiots" as much as the next guy but I am more of a bandwagon fan; we win, I am at the parade. They lose, I don't lose much sleep (please note the distinction "we" win, "they" lose). In fact I didn't know much about them until about age 17 when my high school moved to a building right behind Fenway Park. That's when I learned what a TRUE Sox Fan was...and when they say Red Sox Nation, they mean it! It is a community in and of itself. But me? I am not a resident!

Tidbit#2: I am, however, a football fan. And it's not just about the tight ends (though we all know there are some NICE booties out on that field). Most females think it's "too rough" and kind of barbaric. Sadly, those are the things I love the most. I tackled my boyfriend in high school and it was the best feeling in the world. Ran straight at him and just grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Loved it! NFLers get paid to do that...that has to be such an adrenaline rush. I'm jealous

Naturally, I am an NE Patriots fan...city of champions baby! All day!

Tidbit #3: I found out I was visually impaired (needed glasses for those who aren't interested in being politically correct) in the fifth grade. Upon receiving my first pair of glasses, I promptly tossed them out my bedroom window. In my defense they were HORRENDOUS!!! I went outside to retrieve them and told my mom they broke in my backpack. She hasn't paid for my glasses since, lol

Tidbit #4: I have a tendency to dance when I am anticipating a good meal. It's an odd phenomenon! I have no control over it! I just get really excited for food. It's that simple. Someone will make dinner, or I'll go to a restaurant, and when the mealtime approaches I do a little shimmy.

Tidbit #5: I am a pop culture junkie. I have oodles of useless pop culture factoids in my head. Celebrities names, who is dating who, movie/album release dates, yadda, yadda, yadda. I watch Access Hollywood, Extra, Daily 10, The Soup, TMZ, Black Carpet, all the celebrity gossip shows. I paroose sites like TMZ, People.com, and Mediatakeout.com, daily. Ask me anything pop culture related...Britney or JamieLynn's baby daddy name, how many children Eddie Murphy has, which Sex and the City star is gay, how many times has Carmen Electra been married, Team Heidi or Team Lauren.

Tidbit#6: I am a writer working on my first novel. It will be published through my publishing company Dorchester's Daughter Publishing. Visit http://www.dorchestersdaughter.com/ for news and updates. Yeah...shameless plug I know. PR it's a dirty job but somebody's got to do it!!!!!

Over-Committed Entreprenuer

http://www.powerhomebiz.com/vol114/balancing.htm

6:00-7:40 Get Ready for Work
8:30-5:00 Day Job
6:00-7:30 Business related endeavors for my publishing co. and dinner if I can squeeze it in
9:00-3:30 (Every other Saturday) Moonlighting Job

I am trying to figure out how I can squeeze in free time. Me time. Family time. Friend time. I have gotten to the point where I just want to throw one 12 hour party per month and invite everyone I have neglected since I started my own business. At least I'd see them! I probably converse with my editor more that I do with my best friend. I know my family and friends are supportive and they do not require my undivided attention for the most part...but I can't help but feel guilty.

When I fall asleep after making plans I am more angry with myself than they are. I wonder if they shrug it off because they are used to it. And what it says about ME if they are. It goes from "I thought you said you were coming" to "she'll probably knock out long before we start to get dressed." to not being invited at all. And it would be a bed I made for myself.

The scariest part is the most time consuming part of the business hasn't even come yet. Meetings, book signings, fairs, promotions, orders, mailings, where's the time for all of that. They say if you can't find a way make a way...that's what I'm going to have to do.

Playing Catch Up

It's been a while. I just read my last post...over a week! Well for starters I ended up returning the dress. Yeah I know...such a quitter, lol. Well actually I went back and got the next size up. I went home tried it on and it was big everywhere BUT my thighs, lol. How's that for a wake up call. Definately need to stay on track with this toning mission. I could run up some stairs right this minute, lol.

But que sera sera. That's not what I came to babble about! Yesterday afternoon my supervisor came to my cubicle and pulled me into his office. He told me that he'd forgotten to mention my 3.2% increase. Not a whole lot of extra cash but not bad for being on the job eight months! He also gave me a little (BRIEF) progress report. He told me that I am doing very well but he'd like me to make more time for the Organizational Development and Training team (of two). He feels that the manager could be a good resource and mentor for me and that I could learn alot from her. He's asked me to carefully analyze my schedule and carve out a few hours per week to spend with her. On top of that he wants me to take more seriously the opportunities of editing and fine tuning our HR intranet site and training other staff members on it.

It really got me to thinking. Why is everyone always trying to push me toward teaching, training, and guidance?

In your 20's you are supposed to find your niche...your purpose...what you can contribute during your remaining years. Is my niche being an educator (not in the tradional sense; everybody knows I do not have the patience for that)? Me?... destined to touch lives?

Isn't it too early for backpain??

I vaguely remember my grandmother mentioning this. Every so often she'd use her palm to clutch her lower back and mumble something about not sitting straight or sleeping funny. Confused I'd wonder what exactly sleeping "funny" is. I mean really, you fall asleep, you wake up. How can you do that wrong?...here 20 years later and I've had an "ah ha" moment. I woke up this morning sat up and put my hand on my back just like my gradmother did!

Not only am I amazed that I can say "20 years later" in reference to myself....but I actually have the backpain she complained about! Now the confusion lies in the fact that I am barely 30. Isn't it a little too soon for the "these old bones" ramblings? I thought this was my prime?