Over-Committed Entreprenuer

http://www.powerhomebiz.com/vol114/balancing.htm

6:00-7:40 Get Ready for Work
8:30-5:00 Day Job
6:00-7:30 Business related endeavors for my publishing co. and dinner if I can squeeze it in
9:00-3:30 (Every other Saturday) Moonlighting Job

I am trying to figure out how I can squeeze in free time. Me time. Family time. Friend time. I have gotten to the point where I just want to throw one 12 hour party per month and invite everyone I have neglected since I started my own business. At least I'd see them! I probably converse with my editor more that I do with my best friend. I know my family and friends are supportive and they do not require my undivided attention for the most part...but I can't help but feel guilty.

When I fall asleep after making plans I am more angry with myself than they are. I wonder if they shrug it off because they are used to it. And what it says about ME if they are. It goes from "I thought you said you were coming" to "she'll probably knock out long before we start to get dressed." to not being invited at all. And it would be a bed I made for myself.

The scariest part is the most time consuming part of the business hasn't even come yet. Meetings, book signings, fairs, promotions, orders, mailings, where's the time for all of that. They say if you can't find a way make a way...that's what I'm going to have to do.

Playing Catch Up

It's been a while. I just read my last post...over a week! Well for starters I ended up returning the dress. Yeah I know...such a quitter, lol. Well actually I went back and got the next size up. I went home tried it on and it was big everywhere BUT my thighs, lol. How's that for a wake up call. Definately need to stay on track with this toning mission. I could run up some stairs right this minute, lol.

But que sera sera. That's not what I came to babble about! Yesterday afternoon my supervisor came to my cubicle and pulled me into his office. He told me that he'd forgotten to mention my 3.2% increase. Not a whole lot of extra cash but not bad for being on the job eight months! He also gave me a little (BRIEF) progress report. He told me that I am doing very well but he'd like me to make more time for the Organizational Development and Training team (of two). He feels that the manager could be a good resource and mentor for me and that I could learn alot from her. He's asked me to carefully analyze my schedule and carve out a few hours per week to spend with her. On top of that he wants me to take more seriously the opportunities of editing and fine tuning our HR intranet site and training other staff members on it.

It really got me to thinking. Why is everyone always trying to push me toward teaching, training, and guidance?

In your 20's you are supposed to find your niche...your purpose...what you can contribute during your remaining years. Is my niche being an educator (not in the tradional sense; everybody knows I do not have the patience for that)? Me?... destined to touch lives?

Being THAT girl

I want to start off by saying my fitness and lifestyle change have been going very well. I am sincerely proud of myself for taking steps toward a leaner more toned body. It has only been two weeks so I cannot say confidently that there are any visible changes.... but I am so proud of myself that I can carry on without anxiously awaiting results.

I treated myself to a dress this weekend in celebration of the hard work. It was a great deal! $10 on a miraculous sale clearance extravaganza! It is so sexy and I loved it immediately after seeing it. I couldn't wait to see myself in it but I was already running late and needed to get back to work.

Sadly, when I got home and tried it on, it only confirmed that I indeed have a ways to go. I stood in the mirror in horror. The areas I am targeting in my fitness were protruding outward and were in plain sight for everyone to gawk at. I immediately cringed and damn near teared up.

Now my dilemma is whether or not to return it. I even asked my boyfriend, KB's, opinion! For the life of me, I do not want to be THAT girl. The one who hangs a dress on her wall hoping to one day fit into it. That wouldn't work for me; it would only depress me as I try it on week after week, hoping my thighs won't be bulging this time.

On the other hand, it IS something I have been working on. That is the key area for my weight loss and toning so it makes sense to have a goal. And I can only imagine how rewarding it will be this summer when I show up to an event in that dress feeling beautiful, sexy, and fierce.

But (yes there is a BUT) I have a little nagging voice that says nothing will change and eventually I will make myself miserable.

I have 12 days left to decide whether or not to return it; after which I am stuck with the garment or store credit, lol

What should I do?

Someone forgot??

I was moved to tears by a story I saw on the news this morning. A 21 year old mother of two was kidnapped, raped, and murdered in Florida. This particular story gripped me because the tragedy could have been prevented. Moments before her death she managed to take her kidnapper's cell phone and dial 911. Another motorist, who saw her kicking and fighting in the backseat, called to report the incident. The caller even mentioned the exact location of the car! There were five 911 calls in total. So why isn't she at home with her children right now?... Because the dispatcher FORGOT to pass along the information!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24063588/

How is it that this person is able to clock out at the end of every evening and go home to their own family? How does this person look at their reflection, in the mirror, every morning? The role of a 911 dispatcher is to attend to emergency situations. When 5 phone calls come in about the same incident what about that implies non-emergency?

The world we live in is crass and cold-hearted. I am rarely outraged by the things that I hear and see on the news. But not today, today I was sincerely outraged! As I watched Nathan Lee agonize over his wife's senseless death my blood boiled, my eyes watered, and my hand shook nervously. I haven't stopped thinking about the two children who will grow up with out a mother. It's unneccessary. It's just unneccessary.

We Gon' Make It

I recently had a discussion with an african american friend of mine who grew up in the suburbs, she was having a hard time understanding the "make it out of the hood" mentality in young african americans.

Her thoughts:
"My disconnect is that I don't relate to the "gotta be someone" angry/driven black woman syndrome. I've never had it. I feel pressured to represent brown people well, but I didn't grow up with people urging me on to finish college, be a professional, etc. It was just a given."

I thought about my own experience. While my father is the only family member who tried to instill the importance of education in me, there was always a school official who said "you're so smart", "you can do anything", "stay in school" and the like. For so many others, it is a teacher, a coach, or another outside influence that helped them turn around...who led them to the "I know I can" mentality. "Without my (fill in the blank) I would not be where I am today" is the beginning of just about every Valedictorian speech

http://www.act.org/news/releases/2003/1-21-03.html

Why are we relying on others to tell us to do, what for some is a right of passage? Why do urban youth need constant coaxing and reassurance while their suburban counterparts rarely give it much second thought?

Preserving My Sexy

Earlier this year I began a food diary. Yes, if you must know it WAS a New Year's Resolution! I wanted a detailed account of what I was putting in my body; hoping it would lead me to an explanation of why I have gained an excess of 15 lbs since my college graduation four years ago.

That food diary lasted two weeks. Recounting everything I put in my mouth seemed tedious. And I had all sorts of "better things to do". So I renounced my eating log and went back to the merry me.

I haven't been self-conscious since high school, and even then it was because I felt too skinny. Up until recently I was fine with my shapely self...so why the sudden need for fitness and healthy eating? Preserving my sexy!

A friend of mine will be getting married in Miami, Fl later this year. This means two things; South Beach body and preparation for the "so when are you going to tie the knot" questions. Either way I have to be every bit as sexy as I was when I went in 04 just after college graduation.

Now do I intend to lose 15-20 lbs? No. In all honesty, I like me the way I am (do I sound like Tocarra addressing the Celebrity Fit Club judges). But I would like to drop down one size and tone. I want clothes to fit more comfortably. I want to eat without regret and second thoughts. I want to love my arms, which have become a little meaty. And I don't want to feel like I have to constantly be ready for the camera, I am not tryna be sucking and tucking!

Starting yesterday, April 1, I am back on the food diary. And I intend to be proud of what is written! I am going to start jogging (which should be interesting because at least 7 of the new lbs are in my bra), and I will also be taking a few supplements (herbal ones no Slim Quick, TrimSpa and the like).

All the ladies out there who are starting to notice some excess weight...join me in preserving my sexy. You'll wish you did when I post those South Beach pics!

Co-Worker vs Friend

Disclaimer; I am extremely reserved and often hesitant about who I will call "friend".

A co-worker's birthday is coming up and it falls on a weekday. Another co-worker suggested we take her out for drinks after work. I said that I'd be willing to come, provided that he check with her first and make sure she doesn't have other plans. Seemed like common sense to me...why just assume someone you work with would rather hang out with you than a close friend, relative, or even her boyfriend? He seemed confused by this notion.

Temp: "Why wouldn't she want to hang out with us?"
Me: "She might have plans with friends"
Temp: "But we are her friends"
Me: "No...we are her co-workers"
Temp: "So you don't consider me a friend?"

My immediate response? NO! I have known you 3 months! The only time even we hang out outside the workplace is grabbing lunch or drinks after work, you know very little about me personally. How the heck is that a friend? If I said my dog died, he'd be remorseful right? Maybe buy me a card? A friend would say "Fool, you don't even have a dog!" Because my friends know ME... they know my likes, dislikes, strong points, and short comings.

But it felt wrong saying that. So instead, I responded by giving him a scenario. He said "but I know very little about her personal life". To which I responded "yet you call yourself her friend?"

A co-worker can be someone who you vent your work-related stress with. Someone you have lunch and maybe dinner with. A co-worker does not necessarily make a friend. I have been in workplaces where we were all a tight knit group but once someone moves on, the dynamic of the relationship is different. Are you now willing to make a sound effort to spend time with this person?

Until that is a mutual desire, you are...WE are..not friends.

Now the irony in the story; He double checked with her and she agreed to go out the day following her birthday for celebration! Que sera sera

To Leave or Not to Leave...

Relationships are complicated. No disagreements there right? Well sometimes I feel as though mine is more complicated than neccesary. And for that reason (without delving into the unneccesary details of it all) early Saturday morning I made the decision to break up with my boyfriend. I believed it was the right thing for both of us. Love and emotional attachment aside, I've always had an incling that we weren't PERFECT for each other. Great together but not perfect for one another.

When you are 19, 20, and 21 it's far easier to sever ties because there are no strings attached. If I liked Jay Z and he liked Nas, he had to go plain and simple. But at this point in my life it's harder to be certain what is worth fighting for. It becomes "well just don't play Nas when I'm in the car". When you've been together for several years, and have invested time, money, commitment, etc an end isn't supposed to be a rash decision. It should be in both parties' best interest and mutually agreed upon.

Very early in our bickering stage, we decided that ending our relationship is not something that should be done in anger during a disagreement. No "screw you, I'm out". And on Saturday morning, although it was amidst an argument it needed to be done. But as the day progressed I started to wonder if it was even necessary. There were no lies, no cheating, no deceptions. No gambling, drinking, or drug problems. Just a difference of opinion. Which led me to wonder what should end a relationship? I recently came across this article; http://www.care2.com/greenliving/is-your-relationship-ending.html. After reading it, I was certain it wasn't time to move on just yet.

By Sunday afternoon, we'd talked things over and decided that it is still too soon to give up. Three years isn't enough to know whether or not a relationship can last thirty +. There are more hurdles, higher jumps, and more risks. And great together may not be perfect but nothing really is.

"YOU don't understand"

I sat on the phone and listened to a single friend rant about the antics of mutual single friend. Over the past year or so this girl's behavior has crassly contradicted her desires. "I want a husband", "I want to settle down".... cut to her bent over gyrating in front a man she has never met before and may never see again. My question was "why is she acting like this if she wants to be in a relationship?". My friend's response? "YOU don't understand, you have someone".

OK, I will admit I have been out of the game for a little while, but it hasn't been long enough for the game to change. I have been in a committed relationship for three years, three... not thirty! And before I met him I wasn't bent over in front of random men when I went to the club. That's not to say that that sort of behavior would have prevented me from finding someone special. It just isn't very likely to make a significant connection when you're modeling your stripper moves.

Shortly after my conversation with this friend, I was directed to an article from the Washington Post about single African American women; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/10/07/AR2006100701070.html

Dating is hard, period. But when you live in a place where the social circuit is tight knit it is even harder. Boston only has a handful of lounges, clubs, and concerts for the Urban audience. If you went out every week from Thursday to Sunday, you'd pretty much get to know all the regulars. So in a place like this, it isn't effective to be known for that sort of behavior. That just isn't conducive to the "I want to be committed" wholesome image she'd like to portray, if that is indeed what she wants. Isn't the saying "a lady in the street but a freak in the sheets"?

Isn't it too early for backpain??

I vaguely remember my grandmother mentioning this. Every so often she'd use her palm to clutch her lower back and mumble something about not sitting straight or sleeping funny. Confused I'd wonder what exactly sleeping "funny" is. I mean really, you fall asleep, you wake up. How can you do that wrong?...here 20 years later and I've had an "ah ha" moment. I woke up this morning sat up and put my hand on my back just like my gradmother did!

Not only am I amazed that I can say "20 years later" in reference to myself....but I actually have the backpain she complained about! Now the confusion lies in the fact that I am barely 30. Isn't it a little too soon for the "these old bones" ramblings? I thought this was my prime?