Thursday, February 19, 2009

A Dream Deferred-Part Deux

The snooze button on my biological clock has not given me a sense of peace. I thought rationalizing the fact that I am not "ready" financially, morally (I do want to be married first), emotionally (still have mama issues I need to get past) would put things in perspective.

It has not.

If I am not thinking about parenthood in the day, I will most certainly see our offspring in my dreams at night. In recent months, in just about every dream (no matter the content) there is a little girl by my side. The most beautiful girl child I have ever seen.

My friend's mom says I am not over the loss of my first child and it is her I see in my dreams. She is watching over me. I like that theory, it comforts me at times.

But I think the more accurate theory is that I am plum crazy. Not Nadya Suleman crazy, but deranged just the same.

There is a hole where my heart used to be. No matter how much I try to fill it with other things, nothing comes close to motherhood.

My biggest fear? Its not raccoons or drowning, as I have led others to believe (though they do scare the shit out of me). It is that little girl, the one in my dreams, being the closest thing I will ever have to a biological child.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Save the advice for someone who needs it

I will start by saying I am far from perfect. Just about every week I air out my imperfections right here. With that said, I am no fan of unsolicited advice. Please do not tell me what to do if I have not asked your opinion.

I've recently become re acquainted with an ex. He is married, baby on the way. You guys are aware that I,too, have a significant other. While I love that we can be friends, there is something that boils my blood about his lil pep talks.

I feel as though it will come to the point where I ask "does your wife take kindly to these lectures?"

If I respond "spaghetti" to the question "what's for dinner?" He suggests I add a little sausage. He has a helpful damn hint for everything,"hand wash the dishes don't use the dishwasher that's lazy". Oh it is? I will be sure and let your wife know you'd prefer that the dishes are hand washed at your house. We use the dishwasher at mine.

Am I over reacting? The way I see it...I run this, it is MY home. He is in no way involved in our daily activities so why should he have an unsolicited say so?

Sunday, February 1, 2009

How's the weather?

It's been a while but I can't go very long without getting shit off my chest. I need my blog to vent, and I need my readers...well cuz it's nice to know I'm not talking to myself.

Today's vendetta? Small Talk. It irks me. I just don't get it. Don't ask what I am doing for the sake of asking. And we both know you don't really care how the family, boyfriend, job, fill in the blank is....why ask?

If you are asking out of genuine interest and concern that is different. But asking just to preface what you REALLY want to talk about? Spare me please! I don't mind you getting to the point after the initial "hello?", "hey what's up?" part of the conversation. I honestly don't. In fact I prefer it.

So many people do not understand this about me. KB is one of those people. Even after having spoken to him two or three times in one day he will still start a conversation with "what's up?" Are you kidding? Please say what it is that needs to be said!

Am I crazy, or is small talk unnecessary?