Thursday, February 19, 2009

A Dream Deferred-Part Deux

The snooze button on my biological clock has not given me a sense of peace. I thought rationalizing the fact that I am not "ready" financially, morally (I do want to be married first), emotionally (still have mama issues I need to get past) would put things in perspective.

It has not.

If I am not thinking about parenthood in the day, I will most certainly see our offspring in my dreams at night. In recent months, in just about every dream (no matter the content) there is a little girl by my side. The most beautiful girl child I have ever seen.

My friend's mom says I am not over the loss of my first child and it is her I see in my dreams. She is watching over me. I like that theory, it comforts me at times.

But I think the more accurate theory is that I am plum crazy. Not Nadya Suleman crazy, but deranged just the same.

There is a hole where my heart used to be. No matter how much I try to fill it with other things, nothing comes close to motherhood.

My biggest fear? Its not raccoons or drowning, as I have led others to believe (though they do scare the shit out of me). It is that little girl, the one in my dreams, being the closest thing I will ever have to a biological child.

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