Return to Sender

When we spend a long period of time with a significant other we acquire stuff; gifts, momentous, and the like. Even when the relationship does not last these things they've brought into our lives are constant reminders.

Do we give them back?

No. That's petty. Should we keep them? I don't know. Who wants constant reminders? And what if it is replaced by something nicer from the new s.o? You find yourself wearing a pretty cocktail ring so often that the new guy notices. He picks up an beautiful one and presents it to you as a gift. Is that license to toss the other one aside?

What about a sexy nightie? If a man buys you sexy lingerie for his own eyes is it ok to wear it for the new boo?

I thought about all these things the other day. The heat in our apartment has been non existent at best which meant the traditional tshirt and undies to bed was just not gonna cut it. I fumbled through the many pj sets I have and do not use, looking for the ultimate in comfort. Flannel.

And there it was baby blue capri pant with winnie the pooh (my absolute fav man on the planet). As I pulled them on I remembered the set was the highly coveted gift of the century, given to me a few years prior by an ex. Though I still adore these pjs I was almost hesitant to put them on because of how much I once loved them, and loved him for knowing I would.

I shrugged it off. "They're just pajamas" I decided as I slipped them on. When I emerged from the bedroom KB noticed right away. "Bringing Pooh back?"

Does he even know how much I once adored Pooh? Does he know all things Pooh were the go to gift for me at one point in life? Probably not. So he can't know my pjs came from a man. Would he be upset if he did?

All the mental rambling got be to thinking of all the other things I've collected from guys along the way. What do you ladies do with ex stuff? Return to sender?

Maybe

I do not think hope is something I ever really understood until this presidential election. I am always about realism, logistics. Give me facts that I can refer back to, concrete findings, statistics. I was never one for abstract thought or hypothetical. "Maybe" has almost certainly meant "no" in the past. But even the realist in me sees that there is something extraordinary about potential.

Throughout the inaugural weekend my elation was coupled with a hopeful song on my soul. Like a record skipping these few words played over and over;

Oh there been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I am able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come

I wasn't around when Sam Cooke made those words famous, but I share the sentiment just the same. That change has been coming since the Civil Rights Movement...and though I am not optimistic enough to say it is here, I cannot deny the "maybe" my heart is filled with.

Maybe we can fix some of those Bush mistakes
Maybe America's reputation can be restored
Maybe the country will continue to live in this harmonious existence
Maybe hard work truly does pay of
Maybe we are starting to be judged by the content of our character
Maybe change does start with ONE person
Maybe
Maybe
MAYBE




......Maybe "maybe" isn't as bad as I thought. Maybe hope is all I needed all these years.

My President is Black

And America loves him almost as much as his wife does! Happy Inauguration Day!

What's in a Name?

Romeo told Juliet "that which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet". If that is true, than is that which we call Adolf Hitler just as merciless? Should we be just as fearful?

Confused? Not as confused as I was when I learned that an NJ couple named their son Adolf Hitler Campbell.

I will wait. You'll probably need to let that marinate for a bit.

Now that you've let it really set in...don't fly off the handle just yet. You haven't heard what they've named their daughters. His sister's names? JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell. Go ahead. Curse them. Shake your head. Rant about how birth control should not be an option but a mandate. I did all that and then some before turning off the news last night.

Ironically, I have always said parents who name their children with such disregard for their futures should be deemed unfit. I sincerely believed Social Services should take them away; it is child abuse in my eyes. But even then, I meant names like Diamond, Versace, Mercedes, Karlequa. And the pre-fixes! (sigh) You know Ty, La, Rae, added to perfectly fine name like Keith. THOSE are the parents I believed could not really care for the children they are rearing.

After careful consideration, I just might take that back. Because if it was between LaKeith James Patterson and Adolf Hitler Campbell? Adolf loses every time.

A Dream Deferred

A bunch of bougie party-throwers got it in their heads that they can make a whole lot of cash off of the few folks who will not be in DC this weekend. Not much unlike DC residents who will be raking it in off of the thousands who will be there.

How?

Throw around the words "Yes We Can" and "I Have a Dream". If it is not MLK or Obama related it is not happening this weekend. My Facebook page has been bombarded with invites and I know it is not just here in Boston. If we're getting THIS much excitement imagine LA, MIA, ATL, NY, Chi-town? It's reason enough for people to go harder than DJ Khalid, Kanye, and T Pain.

So this is where my plea comes in. Brown folks, pay particular attention. As we go forth and party in the name of change...let's mean it. If we are going to embrace the messages of these men, let's do the message some real justice. Can we make some REAL changes?

Can we forget about the fact that some guy hit on your girl or stepped on your Kenneth Cole loafers and NOT "see him" outside? Can we choose to respect the woman who has declined your offer to "get to know" each other? Maybe say "that's cool. It was nice to meet you" instead of "fuck you, you ain't all that anyway"? Winter weather is upon us, ladies, can we avoid wearing that mini dress? Can we leave the heels at home until we've learned to walk in them? Can we not lead a brotha on in the name of free alcohol? Can we order a bottle of Moet and drink it out of the glass instead of bringing the bottle to the dance floor? Can we leave the sunglasses at home? We do go to these parties after the sun has gone down, correct? While we are at it, can we remove the 2 carat CZs as well?

Yes We Can!

(pause. I'll wait, you may need a church fan, bout to break off some knowledge)

I have a dream! That one day... hopefully as soon as this weekend... we will live up to the expectations of those who paved the way for us to be humanized in America. One day we will stop acting life the buffoons we are portrayed as, in the media. My dream is that ABWs (Angry Black Women) and thuggery (gold chains and teeth included) will become stereotypes of the past. Can we behave a little but more like Barack and Michelle? Can we perpetuate THAT image instead of the ones displayed on Real Chance at Love?

I HAVE A DREAM! That the cops who shot young black men last week (in two separate incidents) will be prosecuted for their unwarranted and racist acts of violence. Wait that's another topic for another post. Sorry I was on a roll.

In that faithful speech Dr. King said "America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked 'insufficient funds.' If we are to consider the Obama Inauguration a sign that that check has finally been cashed, brown people....all I ask is that we do not spend it all in one place.

Say Goodbye to Peter Pan

At 28, I have been out of college and working full time for four years. I have had three jobs in that four years and not once had I taken the initiative to plan for my future. I've always focused on the bills I need to pay now, the vacations I want to go on, the shoes that would be cute with the dress I have my eye on. Each obligation more pressing than the money I would need 40 years from now.

I was often nagged by a little birdie; a co-worker who was opening hers, a friend in finance...but I always had my reasons. Not even the fact that I work in Human Resources, where the opportunity presents itself everyday, was good enough reason.

Last week my reasons lost their relevance. The soles on the shoes become worn, the dress is rarely as pretty as it is on the mannequin, the vacations eventually become pictures on a Facebook album and the memories fade. The bills....the bills never quite go away but retirement age? It draws nearer by the day. And as each day passes, I lose an opportunity to save.

Friday I sat down with the retirement consultant at work. Together we laid the excuses to rest; I set up a 403B. As we talked over next steps and plan options she said something very important.

"It's time to grow up. Say goodbye to Peter Pan."

That statement instantly struck a cord in me. Those few words made what I was doing clear as day; saying goodbye to the idea that I would be young forever.

I

I do great deal of self reflection. That's no surprise right? But there are areas of my personal perception I hadn't touched. Never quite had the balls to go there. Ms. S and I challenged ourselves to go the distance and take time to dig deeper than we are comfortable going by completing a series of I statements. I was not completely ready to be that honest with myself.

Just as I struggled to find these right answers, I felt the same hesitation when sitting down to post them for everyone to see. But I realized it's about creating room for a growth; If I can't be real with yall then I am not being real with me.

so here I am....

I am: not easily broken
I hear: the my grandmother's regrets and wonder what mine will be when I am her age.
I regret: the decision to stay in MA for college
I always: worry
I long to: be a mother
I feel alone when: I have no connection to anyone there.
I hide: my hurt feelings in a place deep within. My pride would never allow me to be that vulnerable.
I drive: myself crazy trying to live up to my own expectations
I sing: like I actually have talent. I am THE best at ad libs
I dance: when I anticipate a good meal. I love food.
I write: the words I am afraid to say.
I play: the role of a wife without a ring on my finger
I miss: seeing my friends as often as I did when we were younger. The older I get the more precious our time together is to me.
I search: for the right words each time I post. I want to be as genuine as possible.
I say: some really hurtful things when I am pissed.
I feel: encouraged when I think about the future.
I dream: about the daughter I did not carry to term
I wonder: if I am doing what God has designed for me
I want: the kind of love stories are written about
I worry: about something just about everyday
I give what I can; even though I worry it is not enough
I fight: with KB more often than necessary. Two stubborn people in one relationship. (sigh)
I am: me.
I can't: stand a mess. There is no clarity in clutter.
I stay: even though sometimes I think we'd be better apart.
I will: not give up on my dreams.
I can: hold a grudge far too long.
I would: love to vacation in Dubai.
I might: not ever swallow my pride.
I like: when I can let my guard down.
I love: looking back at how far I've come.
I smile: whenever I see myself in the mirror.
I frown: when I get up to go to work in the morning.
I read: to escape what I see.
I work: hard.

Friday Fuck You- Dirty Laundry

It is the new year, and while most of us are quite tired of people using that as an excuse, it really is time for a clean slate. I, myself, have been working on getting my goals and priorities in order. Not just for 09 but for the next three years or so together. Yes, three. When I plan, I plan. And apparently I am so focused on my grind that I am thinking about it in my sleep.

Last night I dreamt that I was at the laundromat. I was separating the whites and colors, trying to find empty machines. I was more diligent than I am when I do laundry while awake, so even in my sleep I could sense there was meaning and urgency in cleaning these loads.

Once the laundry was done I had an overwhelming sense to double check it all. Make sure that I did not forget a single sock before I walked out that door. It sort of ended there.

Now obviously this dream was a bit strange. As soon as I was able I checked the online dream dictionary. And the meaning is as follows;

To dream that you are doing your laundry, suggests that you are cleaning up your act or change your image. You are concerned about how you appear to others.

To dream that you are sorting the laundry, indicates that you are trying to understand your own feelings and sorting your attitudes

DD is focused yall.

Fuck You Dirty Laundry. It's time to clean up my act! It is time to make room for the new and improved. I am dusting off all the bs; leaving the negativity behind.

100th Episode

Man. I am amazed that I've devoted this much time to a project. 100 times I have sat at a computer and shared my thoughts, my fears, and my dreams. Thanks for rocking with me folks!

For a while I tried to find the perfect topic for my 100th post. Nothing really expressed how grateful I am for having this outlet or how thankful I am to have people who check in on me each day. I wondered how I could articulate the importance of freedom of speech truly is without boring you with a history lesson.

Monday, inspiration hit me...in the form of Running Mom; my fellow blogger has nominated me for the a blogger award. Her nomination is both flattering and encouraging. And like clockwork, the message behind the nomination was on time.


And now I will pay it forward. Francois De La Rochefoucauld said "It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves."


The bloggers I have chosen to nominate are writers who have used their words to evoke thought and wisdom in others...even in jest.

Sista Toldja-The Pride of Bed Stuy

Naked With Socks On-A man who leaves very little to the imagination

Single Ma-The woman who makes my own money dreams seem attainable

VSB-The blog whose name says it all

I am not too sure that any of my favs, with the exception of RunningMom, have ever stopped by but if you happen upon their blogs and decide to leave a comment (although you don't comment here, lol) ....let them know I sent them a lil shout out!

Friday Fuck You-2008

I am tired of the 08 blues and I know it is not just me. My friends and family have shed tears about everything from the economic downturn to relationship problems. From family dysfunction to outright rage. The new, in recent days, is flooded with turmoil; downsizing, natural disasters, and even a man who detested is ex in-laws so much that he blew up their holiday party. The blues ain't no joke.

So why not kick our sorrows to the curb? There's no time like 09 to leave it all behind. Cheers to a new year, a new President, and most importantly a new you!

As I write words of encouragement, proclaiming 2009 as a year that invokes hope in us all, I hear the melody of Sam Cooke;

"There've been times that I've thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come"

Fuck you 2008. I'm focused on my future right now and I wouldn't look back if you tapped me on my shoulder!

This year let's not resolve to lose weight, to pick up a hobby, or to quit smoking or drinking. While they are all great efforts, this new year needs to be about more. We need revolutionary change! Change that will make certain the frowns and tears of 2008 do not recur. Let's pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and carry on. Going forth the big picture is a better you.