The Five Love Languages

***admin note. It seems wrong to follow a post about praise, thanks, and rejoicing with an f* you so I am keeping the spirit of love through the weekend (at the very least).

KB and I have (more than) a few fundamental differences. As a man from the islands, he is traditional in his view of a woman's role. I, personally, think that barefoot and pregnant look is so outdated! But I digress...

After doing a lil "are we doomed" google search I came across an article by Gary Chapman. He suggests that each individual has a love language, a way that love is communicated to them. A couple who speaks two different love languages would share the same difficulty a person speaking in English to someone who only speaks Russian.

The Five Love Languages are;

Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

In that brief article I determined that my love language was likely receiving gifts while KB's was almost certainly acts of service. I immediately decided to purchase Gary's book, which arrived Wednesday night. I went straight to the chapter on what I perceived to be my own love language and I was FLOORED. It was like the man knew me personally!

I encourage you all to pick it up; borrow it from the library, flip through it at a bookstore, do whatever. I promise you, it is going to change outlook on your relationships. Not just with significant others, with close friends, family members, everyone near and dear to you.

If You Liked It Then You Shoulda Put A Ring On It

That's what I was singing, Sunday afternoon while I doing the prep work for dinner that evening. KB looked at my curiously for a few minutes before mustering the nerve to finally ask "why do you like that song so much?".

I had no answer. None that I could explain to him anyway!

The source of his curiosity was obvious. I have no ring on my finger, I am not technically single. He is obviously wondering why I figure I can relate. After all, any song a girl sings with such vigor...she can surely relate.

And I do. I, like thousands of other women, relish in the thought of flaunting my new ish in an old flame's face. We need to be able to prove we can survive without you, prove that we can be happier without you than we ever were with you. Whether it be a better body, a new swag, or in my case the replacement who I am halfway down the aisle with. So, no, there's no ring on it, but the sentiment is still there;

"You had your turn

but now you gonna learn

what it really feels to miss me.

Cuz If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

Don’t be mad once you see that he want it"

Simple as that! All my single ladies, put your hands up!

Whatever You Like

Male bloggers haven't been very supportive of the new T.I. song. And I can understand their hesitance to an extent...but I am a lady. And damned if I am gonna turn up my nose at a brotha who says I can have whatever I like;

Hundred K deposits, vacations hit the tropics/ Cause errbody know it ain't trickin if ya got it/ Ya need to never ever gotta go to yo wallet/ Long as I got rubberband banks in my pocket/ Five six, rides with rims and a body kit/ Ya ain't gotta downgrade you can get what I get /My chick can have what she want/ And go in every store for any bag she want/ And know she ain't never had a man like that/ To buy ya anything your heart desire like that





"Baby you can have whatever you like"



Just hearing it give me the warm and fuzzies! Do we need a man to tell us that? No. Are we depending on a man to give us anything? Hell no. But that doesn't mean we aren't open to being spoiled. In the same way a man wants to know that after a long day at work, he can come home to a cold beer and a hot meal...a woman would like to think that because she's made that possible she can have whatever she likes!

Fellas, you are looking at it the wrong way. We are not talking about gold diggers. Nor are we looking for a handout. We are simply saying it's nice to hear a man say that he is willing to give his lady whatever her heart desires.

Does KB spoil me? No, I am all about spoiling myself. But, for the record, this Miss Independent is independent by choice. Not too many guys feel the way T.I. does; and I am not a fan of the question "why do you need_________?".

But don't fret my dears...until T.I.'s sentiment is shared by the masses we CAN have whatever we like. As long as we are willing to buy it ourselves!

First Comes Love, Then Comes....

the promise ring?

My immediate response? Promise what?

The promise to love, honor, and protect is a marriage right? And an engagement is a promise to marry. Does that make a promise ring a promise to promise, to promise, to love honor and protect? Sound silly? Well that's because it is silly.

I have reached 24+ age group where those around me have began to plan weddings and families. I love seeing my loved ones in happy, committed relationships. Love is and always will be a beautiful thing in my eyes. BUT (yeah I said it BUT) I cringe when I hear "he gave me a promise ring".

We are far from high school and several of us are approaching that 10 year high school reunions. So why is it that we revert back to juvenile practices? A 17 year old can tell his girlfriend that he promises when they go off to college their relationship will not suffer/strain with a ring. But the same ring from a 30 year old man? It is stalling ladies, HE is s-t-a-l-l-i-n-g!

While I love diamonds as much as the next girl...I expect more than a promise ring from KB. In fact, if we're being completely honest, he can skip all three rings and just give me the commitment. The ring isn't a guaranteeing that bills will be paid on time, that he is being faithful, and will continue love or respect me. The man is.

Training Wheels

Security isn't something I can say that I've always had. Growing up I think the only time I felt truly safe was in my grandma's arms late at night. I distinctly remember being curled up in her bed, engulfed in her arms, forcing Grandpa to sleep way on the other side...I was always warm, always safe. It's funny because I still look for that feeling. At night I find myself curled up in my KB's arms, amazed by how loved I feel all over again.

Feeling secure, reassured, and safe is almost indescribable. The only experience I can remember being remotely close is riding on training wheels.

Think of how confident you were when you hopped on your bike and took off...always knowing they were beneath your legs holding you up. Do you remember the day that security was threatened? The day your parents (or older siblings) said "we should take off those training wheels, I think your ready" how did you react?

I read an article in which the author suggests that the way you handled that experience may be related to how you hand most changes; particularly in times when your security is at risk.

Personally, I remember being TERRIFIED to ride without them. And in a lot of ways I am just as terrified of change. I've never transitioned well; middle school to high school, high school to college, single to dating, dating to single, independence to co-habitation. The jog down memory lane alone has my palms sweaty again!

I am at a place where I feel like the kid who had to transition by taking them off one wheel at a time. I know what's coming (marriage, mortgages, parenting) is best for me, and I also know that it's necessary for my own evolution as a woman. Yet, I feel like I want to hold on to what I had just a little longer. Just in case it doesn't go as planned; in case I need to revert back to that other means of support.

And maybe my boyfriend is the enabler. Unknowingly KB fills my ears with "one day", and "as soon as"...making the goal seem attainable without any insight as to how I'll reach it. He's willing to be my security but -like the mother in the story- he is careful not to get involved and watches from the sidelines. Unfortunately, I need KB to be more like Dad, running along side me and encouraging me every step of the way. During the day, when I am trying to figure out how I'll get there, I need the same reassuring feeling I have when I lay in his embrace at night.

I think I'm ready to take my training wheels off...I only hope he's ready to show me that I don't need them.

To Leave or Not to Leave...

Relationships are complicated. No disagreements there right? Well sometimes I feel as though mine is more complicated than neccesary. And for that reason (without delving into the unneccesary details of it all) early Saturday morning I made the decision to break up with my boyfriend. I believed it was the right thing for both of us. Love and emotional attachment aside, I've always had an incling that we weren't PERFECT for each other. Great together but not perfect for one another.

When you are 19, 20, and 21 it's far easier to sever ties because there are no strings attached. If I liked Jay Z and he liked Nas, he had to go plain and simple. But at this point in my life it's harder to be certain what is worth fighting for. It becomes "well just don't play Nas when I'm in the car". When you've been together for several years, and have invested time, money, commitment, etc an end isn't supposed to be a rash decision. It should be in both parties' best interest and mutually agreed upon.

Very early in our bickering stage, we decided that ending our relationship is not something that should be done in anger during a disagreement. No "screw you, I'm out". And on Saturday morning, although it was amidst an argument it needed to be done. But as the day progressed I started to wonder if it was even necessary. There were no lies, no cheating, no deceptions. No gambling, drinking, or drug problems. Just a difference of opinion. Which led me to wonder what should end a relationship? I recently came across this article; http://www.care2.com/greenliving/is-your-relationship-ending.html. After reading it, I was certain it wasn't time to move on just yet.

By Sunday afternoon, we'd talked things over and decided that it is still too soon to give up. Three years isn't enough to know whether or not a relationship can last thirty +. There are more hurdles, higher jumps, and more risks. And great together may not be perfect but nothing really is.

"YOU don't understand"

I sat on the phone and listened to a single friend rant about the antics of mutual single friend. Over the past year or so this girl's behavior has crassly contradicted her desires. "I want a husband", "I want to settle down".... cut to her bent over gyrating in front a man she has never met before and may never see again. My question was "why is she acting like this if she wants to be in a relationship?". My friend's response? "YOU don't understand, you have someone".

OK, I will admit I have been out of the game for a little while, but it hasn't been long enough for the game to change. I have been in a committed relationship for three years, three... not thirty! And before I met him I wasn't bent over in front of random men when I went to the club. That's not to say that that sort of behavior would have prevented me from finding someone special. It just isn't very likely to make a significant connection when you're modeling your stripper moves.

Shortly after my conversation with this friend, I was directed to an article from the Washington Post about single African American women; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/10/07/AR2006100701070.html

Dating is hard, period. But when you live in a place where the social circuit is tight knit it is even harder. Boston only has a handful of lounges, clubs, and concerts for the Urban audience. If you went out every week from Thursday to Sunday, you'd pretty much get to know all the regulars. So in a place like this, it isn't effective to be known for that sort of behavior. That just isn't conducive to the "I want to be committed" wholesome image she'd like to portray, if that is indeed what she wants. Isn't the saying "a lady in the street but a freak in the sheets"?