Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Training Wheels

Security isn't something I can say that I've always had. Growing up I think the only time I felt truly safe was in my grandma's arms late at night. I distinctly remember being curled up in her bed, engulfed in her arms, forcing Grandpa to sleep way on the other side...I was always warm, always safe. It's funny because I still look for that feeling. At night I find myself curled up in my KB's arms, amazed by how loved I feel all over again.

Feeling secure, reassured, and safe is almost indescribable. The only experience I can remember being remotely close is riding on training wheels.
Think of how confident you were when you hopped on your bike and took off...always knowing they were beneath your legs holding you up. Do you remember the day that security was threatened? The day your parents (or older siblings) said "we should take off those training wheels, I think your ready" how did you react?


I read an article in which the author suggests that the way you handled that experience may be related to how you hand most changes; particularly in times when your security is at risk.

Personally, I remember being TERRIFIED to ride without them. And in a lot of ways I am just as terrified of change. I've never transitioned well; middle school to high school, high school to college, single to dating, dating to single, independence to co-habitation. The jog down memory lane alone has my palms sweaty again!

I am at a place where I feel like the kid who had to transition by taking them off one wheel at a time. I know what's coming (marriage, mortgages, parenting) is best for me, and I also know that it's necessary for my own evolution as a woman. Yet, I feel like I want to hold on to what I had just a little longer. Just in case it doesn't go as planned; in case I need to revert back to that other means of support.

And maybe my boyfriend is the enabler. Unknowingly KB fills my ears with "one day", and "as soon as"...making the goal seem attainable without any insight as to how I'll reach it. He's willing to be my security but -like the mother in the story- he is careful not to get involved and watches from the sidelines. Unfortunately, I need KB to be more like Dad, running along side me and encouraging me every step of the way. During the day, when I am trying to figure out how I'll get there, I need the same reassuring feeling I have when I lay in his embrace at night.
I think I'm ready to take my training wheels off...I only hope he's ready to show me that I don't need them.

2 comments:

MoneyTalksDebtWalks said...

I like the last line! That says so much! "Is he ready to show that you can let life happen with him by your side?" Nice post.

Ms. S said...

Nice!

I think when I was younger,I was more stronger and confident. I don't ever remember being scared riding a bike-- until I got hit by one of course.

But as I'm getting older, I keep second guessing myself and needing validation. It pisses me off because I think I keep screwing up on opportunities because of that.

Note to self: change that.

Nice post! I was emotionally moved! LOL.