Monday, November 24, 2008

10 Days

that changed my life forever...

I read a post by Running Mom that led to me doing a little soul searching. Initially, I could only come up with one. The one that I mention all the time because it really did change the course of my life. But I know that as monumental as the birth of my brother is, it isn't the only significant day in my 28 years.

Then I realized that I was just plain scared to look back. In the way that a scar reminds you of a time when you were in pain, the way that a fragrance reminds you of an old love; thinking about those things would undoubtedly make me rehash those feelings.

I had to remind myself that significant does not equate painful. And cowering is far worse than rehashing. I hope my honesty will inspire others in the way Running Mom's inspired me. In chronological order of events, I present my cheers, tears, and jeers;

1. The 1st birthday of Dorchester's Daughters lil bro. It was literally the exact moment in my life that I realized the world did not revolve around me. I remember every emotion I felt as a six year old kid on the outside of everything looking in. My memory may be slightly distorted but I don't even think anyone came said hi to me, don't remember being fed. Nothing but the complete loneliness of no longer being adored. It sounds vein, I know it does. But to go from the world is your oyster to not even being an after thought at such a young age?...that is a bitter pill to swallow.

2.The day my mom kicked me out of the house. To understand the magnitude of this you need to understand that I was not an unruly teenager. I was 18 years old, had just graduated high school and was about to start a new job. I was saving money to go off to college in a few short months. I had had a good (not great) report cards, I had always done what I was told. The adventures in my teenage years were that of any average teen. So when I returned home from spending the weekend at my friend's house to find my belongings packed, it was nothing short of alarming. And to make matters worse, she'd moved all my brother's things into my room. There was no explanation, no accusations, nothing. Just "you don't live here anymore, nobody wants you here".

3. Bradford College closing. I was a freshman. I had no idea what I wanted to be or where my life was headed since I was estranged from my mother. The day before we left for Thanksgiving break they invited the entire campus to the theater to announce that the college was closing. To say I was heartbroken would be an understatement. No home, no school, no nothing. I could not fathom anyone's luck being worse than my own. In fact, I apologized to my friends and told them it was my fault. I said this is something that would only happen to me and I had hurt them all in the process.

4. Returning to/graduating from a 4 year college. After Bradford closed I was lost. I'd applied for transfers to a few different schools but honestly had no intention of going back. But, with the encouragement of an old high school teacher, I took a semester off to clear my thoughts and gave college another try. In 2004 , I crossed the stage wearing the biggest grin my face had seen in years. It was about more than the degree; it was my first real feeling of accomplishment, and a true sense of triumph over adversity.

5. The day I met KB. Whether we are together forever or it ends tomorrow, this relationship has been the biggest challenge of dating life. I have had a series of superficial experiences with men. There has been no depth, no real sense of commitment until now. It is an existence that has forced me to look at myself and examine who I am and the kind of girlfriend, wife, and mother I want to be.

6. The loss of my baby. I cannot expound at this time, this is still a very open wound for me but I hope to be able to talk about it openly one day.

7. "Breaking up" with a friend. Ironically, this was a friend who I'd kept at bay for various reasons. We met in college and though we shared some great times together, something in me never fully trusted this girl. We remaned fairly close for 5 years and one day she lost her ever-loving mind. I won't go into detail. Let's just say she came out of her face and ties were severed. My outlook on instinct is forever changed because of this relationship. Never second guess a gut feeling.

8. The last time I saw my father. After my parents broke up my father became a part time figure in the lives of my brother and I. I'd always felt closer to him than my mom, even though over the years, he'd put in less and less quality time. The very last time we saw him, we'd heard that he'd had a stroke and was/is very sick. We went to visit him a few days later. Seeing the man that had so many comings and goings in my life morphed into a man who needed help to hold a spoon, broke something in me.

9. The day I decided to actively pursue publishing. Not only will publishing bring my writing to the forefront, but it will highlight the writing of my peers.

10. Today. Admitting the impact of these moments has given me an amorous outlook on my life. These are the moments make me.

1 comment:

RunningMom said...

Whenever one of my friends with kids has a baby, I'm the one who likes to lavish attention on the older sibling :) I wish someone had done that for you.

I was estranged from my mother for many years. We're ok now, but I know the next estrangement could be only a new boyfriend or crazy idea away.

Good list, I think I might take each one of mine and write an individual post on them. We shall see!